Children Have a Different Perspective on Divorce

Chesterfield County First Steps Column
The Pageland Progressive-Journal
1/16/07

One in two marriages today ends in divorce, and many divorcing families include small children. Although parents typically are concerned about the effect of divorce on their child, many find it difficult to address their child’s questions and concerns in a direct but supportive fashion.

Children obviously have a different perspective on divorce from their parents. Some parents are devastated or overwhelmed by the divorce, while others are relieved. Children, especially young children, typically have no idea that one parent might – or even could – move out of the house and their daily life.

Divorce is traumatic to children who often believe they are the reason for the divorce, that the departing parent doesn’t love them or that if they’re “better,” everything will be OK again. Most children have friends whose parents have divorced, but they never think that it could happen in their family.
Divorce is confusioning and frightening to children. While most of the impact on children is emotional, that stress can be so intense that children are more susceptible to both physical and mental illness.

Children must be reassured continually by their parents. Common questions from children are:

• Is it my fault?
• How does this impact me?
• Will I ever see Mommy/Daddy again?
• Why doesn’t he/she love me anymore?

Children react better when they know that Mommy and Daddy will still be their parents and will be a part of their life even though one of them won’t live at home. Research shows that long, bitter divorces or making children choose one parent over the other add to the emotional damage on the children.

Talking to children about a divorce is understandably difficult for parents. The following tips from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry can help you with the challenge and stress of these conversations.

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
• Tell your child together.
• Keep things simple and straight-forward.
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
• Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
  Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.

Divorce is confusing and overwhelming to children, so parents should not try for one, all-inclusive conversation to address the issue. Because children cannot comprehend the unknown, it’s important to focus on the known – and the positive. They need to know that they will be loved, will see both parents, will always have a place to live, someone to provide meals and clothing, etc. And it’s always best if the initial conversations include both parents so that the children see a unified front as far as their lives are concerned.

It’s also important to encourage your children to ask questions – not just once but regularly. Their perspective and concerns may not be what you think they will be, and your children may hold back their questions without that encouragement.
Children’s books about divorce can help them address their emotions. The following books may also help parents understand children’s experiences of divorce.

• It’s not your fault, KoKo Bear. Vicky Lansky (1998). Book Peddlers.
• Dinosaurs Divorce: A guide for changing families. Laurene Krasney Brown and Marc Brown (1986). Little Brown and Company.
• How do I feel about: My Parents’ Divorce. Julia Cole (1997). Copper Beach Books.